It’s no secret that I had a baby, just over 9 months ago now. I’ve also never been quiet about my journey’s through my first and second pregnancy. They were both considered high risk and I was to refrain from any physical activity during my 1st and extremely limited during my second.  I’ll never forget the 1st time I saw myself in a picture after having Ava and more recently, seeing my body after baby Zoe in photo taken at the Top 30 Vancouver Mom Party.

Photo from Jamie Khau at Stylingtheinside.com  of Jennifer from Vonbon, myself, Codi from CWJW and Jamie from Styling the Inside
Photo from Jamie Khau at Stylingtheinside.com of Jennifer from Vonbon, myself, Codi from CWJW and Jamie from Styling the Inside

The 1st pregnancy was tough, every step of the way but after Ava was born, I looked at my body and things didn’t change that much.  I held on to my last 5 or 10 for quite a while but my over all body shape didn’t really change.  I never hated what I saw, I was ok with myself cause as I said I didn’t really change too much, I’d lost some muscle mass but gained it back and lost those 5-10 lbs quickly after beginning managing the Billabong Store on West 4th.  Carrying boxes upon boxes of stock up stairs while the men watched kind of became my thing! Second pregnancy though, I noticed the junk in the trunk a lot quicker!

I’m a pretty honest person and I’m also pretty self-aware, I’ve never had any huge body issues other than when I was young and being told I was unable to do certain things because I was “too small” or being made fun of in highschool for being “too skinny” and asked if I was “anorexic”.  I mean people made those comments but they didn’t really affect me too much, I knew that I wasn’t anorexic, or too skinny; they were just jealous.  As for being too small, it just meant I got to be a little more feisty!   So even today, I know that I’m not a big girl, I know that I’m not fat, I also know that I’m not skinny.  I know that I have warmth in my thighs, a little more squish in my belly to produce bigger laughs with my beautiful girls and larger cushions for my girls to fall asleep on when we cuddle.

Maternity photos of baby no.2 copyright 4dp media
Maternity photos of baby no.2 copyright 4dp media

So the Top 30 Mom Blogger Event was coming up at the Nicole Bridger Studio in Gastown and normally I’m a jeans and tank kind of girl but I knew the company I’d be in for this event would be dressed for the successes each one of those women are, so I had to suit up.  I went down stairs to the container that houses my dresses, blew off the dust and pulled out my top 4.  I tried them on one by one, and one by one I through them on the floor feeling more and more discouraged.

The 4th dress…. I put my head through and remembered thinking, this should probably have had a zipper but ok well, contort this way and that way,  I’m sweating now.  I tug, twist, and contort a little more and BAM finally it’s on. I’m SOO compact in this dress that I don’t need a bra! So I have two options, attempt to get this dress off OR wear it and hope no one notices that I feel like the meat inside a sausage casing in this dress.  I am aware I didn’t LOOK this way but I felt that way, so I popped the bra off and rocked it!

My thighs rubbed a bit more than I’d care for but I had on a dress, my hair was washed, fresh make up, Bruce was watching the girls, so I’d call this success!  At the event and they have Bright Photography offering Free Headshots for the Mom Bloggers, I avoid this like the plague, I generally don’t like being in event photos! So finally my dear lovely fellow blogger Codi from Creative Wife + Joyful Worker drags me over to get it done.

It's this photo right here! This is the one that changed my view of myself
It’s this photo right here! This is the one that changed my view of myself

They take the photos, which believe it or not wasn’t as painful as I thought, so I left the event, felt great about everything and then the photos came in!  Don’t get me wrong, I’m not at all saying it’s a bad photo, I just didn’t realize how my body had changed, that how I see myself doesn’t match what is truly there.  Again, not a bad photo, I just realized I actually have hips now! Perhaps there is a reason as to why I went from buying jeans in the single digits for size to double digits.  I’m still 10lbs ish heavier than I’d like to be but I also did spend 10 months growing a baby, so it will take time to put it back together but I’m not going to look the way I did.  My body shape has officially changed,  my body changed for the 1st time since I hit puberty! Part of me wants to run to the gym and the other part is too tired to

I’m not complaining  that my body has changed because I have two beautiful girls, I just didn’t expect to be going through this in my 30’s.  But the thighs sticking together when I sit or rub when I walk, I could do without.  Please tell me I’m not alone, how did your body change after baby?  Did you finally have a moment where you truly saw yourself? What was it!

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